How Do We Know if Couples Counseling is Right for Us?

What happens when your once loving, happy partnered relationship is in trouble? You may try to ignore the problems and hope they go away. Or, you argue about the same things over and over expecting them to eventually change, but they don’t. Eventually, you realize you and your partner are really disconnected. You’re sad, scared, withdrawn, perhaps really angry, and don’t know what else to do.

“Should we see a couples counselor?” This phrase can feel intimidating at first, but it doesn’t have to be. Couples therapy can provide a safe space for you to work through the issues together. If you or your partner have asked this question, it’s worth it to learn more about what couples counseling is and isn’t, and how it can help.

Let's break down some common myths about couples therapy:

Myth #1: “Things aren’t that bad, relationships always have ups and downs. Why do we need a couples counselor?”

You don’t have to wait until you’re on the brink of separation or divorce to see a couples counselor. Seeking help before the problems become unbearable can reduce the chances of a major crisis later.

Myth #: “The counselor is going to blame me for all of our problems. My partner is the one who needs help, not me.”

The couples therapist works for the relationship between people. The therapist doesn’t take sides or blame one person or the other. Instead, each person in the relationship is encouraged to do their part in therapy to be better partners to each other.

Myth #3: “I don’t want anyone knowing our business. We can fix it ourselves.”

Usually, by the time someone is thinking about couples therapy, they have already tried many, many times to fix the problem on their own. Seeing a couples therapist doesn’t mean you’ve failed, just that you’ve tried everything you know how to do and it hasn’t worked yet. The therapist is a professional, and is not there to judge you. They can offer a different perspective and give you new ideas to try that you may not have thought of.

Myth #4: “We tried therapy before. It didn’t work.”

For couples therapy to be effective, you’ll want to ask yourself if you can invest the time, patience and effort to make the changes needed for your relationship to thrive. Maybe in the past, there were factors that prevented you from fully benefiting from therapy at that time. Or perhaps the previous therapist’s style wasn’t a great fit for you. Ask your counselor about their approach to couples therapy, and how they envision working with you. You’ll all want to feel like you’re working toward similar goals, especially when the work gets tough.

Myth #5: “The counselor is just going to sit there and watch us fight.”

This isn’t usually helpful. When the therapist sees unhealthy arguing or other patterns, they will intervene and offer a different way of interacting. This produces a safe, healthier environment for couples to sort through and resolve issues in a more respectful, compassionate way.

Myth #6: “It’s too expensive. I don’t have time.”

Some insurance plans will provide coverage for family therapy if it is medically necessary. Check with your specific insurance company to ask about benefits for family therapy. Your therapist will assess for medical necessity at the first session and in any ongoing sessions. If you have questions about fees, talk to your counselor.

Yes, couples therapy takes time, effort, patience, and has a financial cost, but it’s not designed to be life-long. We do our best to make good use of your time and money by offering efficient, creative ideas so you can look forward to your sessions instead of dreading them. With active participation and dedication, you’ll eventually have the confidence to practice the new skills on your own.

Myth #7: “I don’t know if I want to work on the relationship anymore.”

If you’re not sure if you want to stay in the relationship, talk to your therapist about whether discernment or decision making counseling can help you decide what you want to do. Some couples see a counselor to help make the transition toward healthy separation. The more your therapist knows about what you want out of therapy, the more they can help you.

Couples therapy can’t guarantee that you won’t separate or divorce, but can be a helpful option if you’ve tried everything else and you don’t want to give up. Many people have reported that couples therapy improved their relationships significantly. A licensed, trained counselor will hold the space for you and your partner to feel safe enough to try new ways of thinking, interacting, and resolving conflict. For more information about whether couples therapy might be for you, contact our office today. We see married and unmarried couples of all sexual orientations and gender at any stage of their relationship.