Finding Clarity: Navigating Life's Crossroads with Discernment Counseling

What do you do if your partner suggests couples therapy, but you aren't sure if you want to be with that person anymore? Do you go to therapy and hope it will make you want to be with your partner more? Or do you avoid therapy altogether because you don't want to waste your time and money pretending that you're into it?

Relationships are hard!

Couples in trouble try everything they can to make the relationship work, sometimes for many years. If things don't get better, eventually they can burn out. They may start couples counseling as a last resort, or when feeling pressure by their partner to try therapy. One person may feel bad for the other, and agree to see a counselor together, but their heart isn't really in it. The well meaning therapist assumes the partners want to stay together and offers strategies for better communication and connection. The partners go through the motions, but end up feeling disgruntled and quit therapy. Maybe they continue to be unhappy and increasingly resentful, perhaps they decide to separate or divorce. There may be a nagging feeling that they gave up too early, or didn't try hard enough. When they have children, there can be guilt, grief, and lots of worry about the impact that staying in an bad relationship or getting divorced will have on them. Maybe they find another person to date but find out that they still aren't getting what they need, wondering if maybe it's them that's the problem?

If any of this sounds like you, you are not alone. Sometimes partners are afraid to admit that they are "leaning out" of a relationship, and they will try couples therapy hoping it will change how they feel, but they aren't really sure what they want. No wonder the therapy isn't working!

What is discernment counseling:

Couples therapy won't be very helpful if there is uncertainty about each person's interest and investment in making the relationship work. For "mixed agenda" couples, meaning one or both partners aren't sure they want to stay together, discernment counseling can help. Discernment counseling is a brief approach (3-6 sessions only) to help each partner consider how invested they are in change, BEFORE making the decision to engage in couples therapy. The discernment counselor then offers recommendations for ongoing support and/or therapy depending on the outcome of the discernment sessions. Discernment counseling can be helpful to reduce the sense of wasting time in therapy because the goals weren't clear. It can also reduce resentment and guilt when couples do decide to separate, because after careful consideration of all the variables, they have gained clarity and confidence in that decision.

We are here to help!

We offer both discernment counseling and couples therapy at our office. Contact us for more information or if you'd like to schedule a 10 minute phone consultation to see if discernment counseling may be right for you.