How Past Trauma Affects Adult Relationships—and What You Can Do About It
How past trauma can impact relationships:
There is a saying in the psychology world, that some mental health issues are rooted in trauma. Unexpected things happen to everyone, and there is no way that those situations don't have an impact on a person's growth and development. Inevitably, the way you learned to cope with traumatic events is bound to come up in your interpersonal relationships including with your life partner. If you understand how your history has impacted you, and even better, if you understand how your partner's history affected their development, the healthier your relationship can become.
When thinking about the impact trauma has on development, it's said that it's not the thing that happened that remains most in your memory, it's the way you learned how to deal with the trauma that follows you. As human beings, we become quite good at picking up on signs that remind us of events in the past that hurt or scared us. As adults, our bodies react to those cues in an attempt to protect us from being hurt or scared again, even if there isn't anything that is actually dangerous. This can end up causing disconnect from our partners, who aren't really trying to hurt or scare us at all.
Say for example you were bullied in school, and learned to cope by being quiet and submissive to try to reduce the attention on you. That probably helped at the time, but as an adult, you may use that same coping skill at the first sign that your partner is upset with you, in order to avoid conflict. This can lead to fear and resentment that you can't speak up to your partner, and your partner is lost because they have no idea how you're feeling or how to help. Now, say your partner was also bullied, but they coped by excelling at sports so they would get approval from as many people as possible. This person may end up as an adult, trying anything they can to please their partner and become disappointed and withdrawn if their partner doesn't give them lots of praise for whatever reason. The dynamic that gets created between these two recovered bullies can become quite conflictual or avoidant, even though both people are trying to do their best doing what they know how to do to compensate for their hurt feelings.
What you can do about it:
The next time you're having an argument with your partner, be aware of how you feel when your partner acts in ways that are irritating or annoying. Ask yourself if you think their intention is to hurt or scare you. Hopefully the answer is no! You might then be able to think of another possible explanation for their behavior rather than taking it so personally. Maybe they are feeling triggered by a memory of something that happened in their past. See if you can cut them some slack and have compassion for their pain or fear rather than criticize them for their imperfection.
Be aware of when you are acting imperfectly during an argument, such as when you are getting defensive or critical. You might be reacting based on an instinctual fear or pain that is rooted in past trauma rather than what's actually happening in the moment. Label your feeling, and check the facts to see if you really need to defend or protect yourself. Chances are, you don't. Talk more about what you're afraid of rather than attacking your partner's behavior or character. Maybe then they can offer you some safety and reassurance.
If you have trouble doing this on your own, you're not alone. It's hard to be fully objective when trauma plays a role in relationships. Couples therapy can help sort out how traumatic experiences may be affecting your relationship, and teach you ways that you can help your partner heal from past trauma by being the emotional safety net for their pain or fear.
